For R, For Whatever Reason
Across a pond
A swan came into view
And dipped her head
Too low to the chest, the beak
I watched with you, this loop of white
pierce black water, like
floating in tar, but her head came up.
And the world was restored.
I wonder how I could have missed it. I am sure
When it happened, I did not register it, but
Afterward, something eerie ticked to awareness
Just above my belly, something beautiful had
Become deformed, and only quickly, and only
As illusion, but what the eye sees is true.
It is your birthday, or it was. You are 43. I am
Supposed to be a better friend to you, but it
Reminds me, when I care for you, too much of
The time when I loved you. I cannot worry anymore
Why you cry so much; you cannot worry anymore
Why I cannot sleep. You were right all along. That’s
It. I said it wasn’t fair and I made you feel it. But
You were right, that we were something different
Than maybe I thought, than anything inside us could have.
I don’t want to make a weeping, sweeping statement
About what is lost or not lost. I may have been wrong
At every turn, and maybe now I need to right myself,
And this may mean I am not what I was.
But I want to see what the ugliness and beauty is
All together. To be far enough away from it
So I can make sense of those burritos,
Kisses, talks, plans. Falling asleep holding hands,
But beyond these things, the way we fused our lives
Together, for whatever reason, for whatever time.