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When a Woman Loves a Man

When she says margarita she means daiquiri.

When she says quixotic she means mercurial.

And when she says, “I’ll never speak to you again,”

she means, “Put your arms around me from behind

as I stand disconsolate at the window.”

He’s supposed to know that.

When a man loves a woman he is in New York and she is in Virginia

or he is in Boston, writing, and she is in New York, reading,

or she is wearing a sweater and sunglasses in Balboa Park and he

is raking leaves in Ithaca

or he is driving to East Hampton and she is standing disconsolate

at the window overlooking the bay

where a regatta of many-colored sails is going on

while he is stuck in traffic on the Long Island Expressway.

When a woman loves a man it is one ten in the morning

she is asleep he is watching the ball scores and eating pretzels

drinking lemonade

and two hours later he wakes up and staggers into bed

where she remains asleep and very warm.

When she says tomorrow she means in three or four weeks.

When she says, “We’re talking about me now,”

he stops talking. Her best friend comes over and says,

“Did somebody die?”

When a woman loves a man, they have gone

to swim naked in the stream

on a glorious July day

with the sound of the waterfall like a chuckle

of water rushing over smooth rocks,

and there is nothing alien in the universe.

Ripe apples fall about them.

What else can they do but eat?

When he says, “Ours is a transitional era,”

“that’s very original of you,” she replies,

dry as the martini he is sipping.

They fight all the time

It’s fun

What do I owe you?

Let’s start with an apology

Ok, I’m sorry, you dickhead.

A sign is held up saying “Laughter.”

It’s a silent picture.

“I’ve been fucked without a kiss,” she says,

“and you can quote me on that,”

which sounds great in an English accent.

One year they broke up seven times and threatened to do it

another nine times.

When a woman loves a man, she wants him to meet her at the

airport in a foreign country with a jeep.

When a man loves a woman he’s there. He doesn’t complain that

she’s two hours late

and there’s nothing in the refrigerator.

When a woman loves a man, she wants to stay awake.

She’s like a child crying

at nightfall because she didn’t want the day to end.

When a man loves a woman, he watches her sleep, thinking:

as midnight to the moon is sleep to the beloved.

A thousand fireflies wink at him.

The frogs sound like the string section

of the orchestra warming up.

The stars dangle down like earrings the shape of grapes.

-David Lehman

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The eyes of the man who loves me
seek in the dark while I
sleep gently. What rain I
am waiting for, what stories to share
in the warm rain. What rising hopes,
what a looking glass his love is,
making me more beautiful than the
truth of the face.

The man who loves me has dunes and
ruins in ancestral worlds, spaces of peace
untouched by law. It is these places I
will reside, in the countryside, when he comes
here from across the air.

-Nina Alvarez

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She dwelt among the untrodden ways

SHE dwelt among the untrodden ways
Beside the springs of Dove,
A Maid whom there were none to praise
And very few to love:

A violet by a mossy stone
Half hidden from the eye!
–Fair as a star, when only one
Is shining in the sky.

She lived unknown, and few could know
When Lucy ceased to be; 10
But she is in her grave, and, oh,
The difference to me!

-Wordsworth

Listen to a live recording.

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When the world is strange around me, it is because i am pursing my lips.

The mind can unlearn its tricks, the silver swath, the white shoots that swish out to their same garbage cans. These masteries can be unmastered.

But tonight there is something on top of me, something I can’t get rid of. The strangeness that follows me out to where I am going. These people in my facebook, they have maintained their friendships, I have not. I have one thing to remember, and it is constantly forgotten. I have no hands for holding.

But my heart aches tonight for old faces that i believe stare blankly at me. You can tell when someone has a warm memory of you, and when they don’t.

-Nina Alvarez

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In honor of my new friend, Jorge Porcel De Peralta, who loves Auden and the Argentinians who love Freud:

In Memory of Sigmund Freud

When there are so many we shall have to mourn,

when grief has been made so public, and exposed

to the critique of a whole epoch

the frailty of our conscience and anguish,

of whom shall we speak? For every day they die

among us, those who were doing us some good,

who knew it was never enough but

hoped to improve a little by living.

Such was this doctor: still at eighty he wished

to think of our life from whose unruliness

so many plausible young futures

with threats or flattery ask obedience,

but his wish was denied him: he closed his eyes

upon that last picture, common to us all,

of problems like relatives gathered

puzzled and jealous about our dying.

For about him till the very end were still

those he had studied, the fauna of the night,

and shades that still waited to enter

the bright circle of his recognition

turned elsewhere with their disappointment as he

was taken away from his life interest

to go back to the earth in London,

an important Jew who died in exile.

Only Hate was happy, hoping to augment

his practice now, and his dingy clientele

who think they can be cured by killing

and covering the garden with ashes.

They are still alive, but in a world he changed

simply by looking back with no false regrets;

all he did was to remember

like the old and be honest like children.

He wasn’t clever at all: he merely told

the unhappy Present to recite the Past

like a poetry lesson till sooner

or later it faltered at the line where

long ago the accusations had begun,

and suddenly knew by whom it had been judged,

how rich life had been and how silly,

and was life-forgiven and more humble,

able to approach the Future as a friend

without a wardrobe of excuses, without

a set mask of rectitude or an

embarrassing over-familiar gesture.

No wonder the ancient cultures of conceit

in his technique of unsettlement foresaw

the fall of princes, the collapse of

their lucrative patterns of frustration:

if he succeeded, why, the Generalised Life

would become impossible, the monolith

of State be broken and prevented

the co-operation of avengers.

Of course they called on God, but he went his way

down among the lost people like Dante, down

to the stinking fosse where the injured

lead the ugly life of the rejected,

and showed us what evil is, not, as we thought,

deeds that must be punished, but our lack of faith,

our dishonest mood of denial,

the concupiscence of the oppressor.

If some traces of the autocratic pose,

the paternal strictness he distrusted, still

clung to his utterance and features,

it was a protective coloration

for one who’d lived among enemies so long:

if often he was wrong and, at times, absurd,

to us he is no more a person

now but a whole climate of opinion

under whom we conduct our different lives:

Like weather he can only hinder or help,

the proud can still be proud but find it

a little harder, the tyrant tries to

make do with him but doesn’t care for him much:

he quietly surrounds all our habits of growth

and extends, till the tired in even

the remotest miserable duchy

have felt the change in their bones and are cheered

till the child, unlucky in his little State,

some hearth where freedom is excluded,

a hive whose honey is fear and worry,

feels calmer now and somehow assured of escape,

while, as they lie in the grass of our neglect,

so many long-forgotten objects

revealed by his undiscouraged shining

are returned to us and made precious again;

games we had thought we must drop as we grew up,

little noises we dared not laugh at,

faces we made when no one was looking.

But he wishes us more than this. To be free

is often to be lonely. He would unite

the unequal moieties fractured

by our own well-meaning sense of justice,

would restore to the larger the wit and will

the smaller possesses but can only use

for arid disputes, would give back to

the son the mother’s richness of feeling:

but he would have us remember most of all

to be enthusiastic over the night,

not only for the sense of wonder

it alone has to offer, but also

because it needs our love. With large sad eyes

its delectable creatures look up and beg

us dumbly to ask them to follow:

they are exiles who long for the future

that lives in our power, they too would rejoice

if allowed to serve enlightenment like him,

even to bear our cry of ‘Judas’,

as he did and all must bear who serve it.

One rational voice is dumb. Over his grave

the household of Impulse mourns one dearly loved:

sad is Eros, builder of cities,

and weeping anarchic Aphrodite.

-W.H. Auden

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Estoy en la Argentina. En honor de eso, aquí está un poema de Luis Borges. Aprenda más sobre Borges aquí.

I am in Argentina. In honor of this, here is a poem by Luis Borges. Learn more about Borges  and the web here. And learn about Borges and Buenos Aires here.

We are the time. We are the famous 
We are the time. We are the famous
metaphor from Heraclitus the Obscure.

We are the water, not the hard diamond,
the one that is lost, not the one that stands still.

We are the river and we are that greek
that looks himself into the river. His reflection
changes into the waters of the changing mirror,
into the crystal that changes like the fire.

We are the vain predetermined river,
in his travel to his sea.

The shadows have surrounded him.
Everything said goodbye to us, everything goes away.

Memory does not stamp his own coin.

However, there is something that stays
however, there is something that bemoans.

by Jorge Luis Borges

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ONCE a boy a Rosebud spied,

Heathrose fair and tender,
All array’d in youthful pride,–
Quickly to the spot he hied,

Ravished by her splendour.
Rosebud, rosebud, rosebud red,

Heathrose fair and tender!

Said the boy, “I’ll now pick thee,

Heathrose fair and tender!”
Said the rosebud, “I’ll prick thee,
So that thou’lt remember me,

Ne’er will I surrender!”
Rosebud, rosebud, rosebud red,

Heathrose fair and tender!

Now the cruel boy must pick

Heathrose fair and tender;
Rosebud did her best to prick,–
Vain ’twas ‘gainst her fate to kick–

She must needs surrender.
Rosebud, rosebud, rosebud red,

Heathrose fair and tender!

-Goethe

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Jil Hanifan

pressing down her lead piling will

over our freshman bodies, oh the

sophomores were

more with it. One was a black poet

and I

read a poem Jil loved

and i held it close to me, strictly, because

her eye was a Sauron eye and I basked in it

like a heat lamp

and in this poem

was the word ‘argentine’

Now, I couldn’t have told you then

why that word turned me off

it was probably pure racism, the kind that lies

in the floorboards. I didn’t want this

poem to be about some other country.

I wanted it to be about me.

And the next day, when I learned the word meant

“silver,” I felt it could be.

Now, at 30 years old, I am flying to Argentina in four days.

It is strange how our unformed perceptions can collapse upon themselves

until we mistake one word for a whole country,

and so enter them both together.

-Nina Alvarez

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In the Next Galaxy

Things will be different.

No one will lose their sight,

their hearing, their gallbladder.

It will be all Catskills with brand

new wrap-around verandas.

The idea of Hitler will not

have vibrated yet.

While back here,

they are still cleaning out

pockets of wrinkled

Nazis hiding in Argentina.

But in the next galaxy,

certain planets will have true

blue skies and drinking water.

-Ruth Stone

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What if the one thing that kept you from being a great writer was that you would have to tell the truth to the world?

This is the first in a series of online conversations between myself and interesting people taking place on Friday nights.

Tonight I spoke with Raquel, a writer/editor who is finishing her MA in Publishing, and Brooke, who is finishing her PhD in Visual Anthropology at Temple University. Her forthcoming essay “Grief: Reflections on Ethnography” will be published by Encyclopedia II.

As you may know, I am a writer with an MA in English, concentration in Literary Theory. My list of pubs can be found on my Write page.

I hope you will find some use of our conversation and if you have any thoughts to add, please comment.

Friday, May 9, 2008

9:17 PM me: okay, so can i explain why i have summoned you both here?
i’ll be brief
Raquel: um because we’re cool?
me: cute and cool
Brooke: bc you wanted to ruin our fri nights?
Raquel: teehee hee
Brooke: bc you liiiiiiike us?
me: oh give it up, you didn’t have an awesome friday night planned anyway
9:18 PM Brooke: uts true
me: lol
i heart you both
9:19 PM i don’t want to ruin the silly mood. but, i will.
i once was an ENGLISH TEACHER. It’s in my blood.
Raquel: and probably caused you to want to draw blood from your nimrod students
9:20 PM me: ok, i am having a crisis, so you can think of this a summons to counsel
Raquel: INTERVENTION!
Brooke: yes!
9:23 PM me: Okay, good. So, I could sum it all up like this: What if the one thing that kept you from being a great writer was that you would have to tell the truth to the world?
I am starting to despair that I will never be the writer I always wanted to be. And I am starting to think it’s because the material that I should be using, I am afraid to use.
Raquel: well i feel like many things keep me from being a great writer, so if that’s all that was in my way, i’d try to figure things out!
9:24 PM but, in all seriousness, i can understand where you are coming from. sometimes writing what you know can be terribly scary
me: haha, raquel. always with the quick wit
Brooke: overcome your fear, nina
thats prob an indication that your material is good
Raquel: the riskiest material is always the juiciest
9:25 PM but god, it can be scary to take that risk can’t it?
Brooke: fuck yes
9:26 PM me: i think that my problem is not baring my own soul, but baring the impressions i have of the world around me. family and friends. writing about my neighborhoods, my parents and siblings. i mean, how do writers do it?
Raquel: i haven’t been able to do it, in various aspects of my life, for a long time
me: risking these relationships like that?
Raquel: they have to be brave enough to not care if they end up alone perhaps?
9:27 PM Brooke: i think the key is to write with compassion
me: both good points
compassion and detachment. very buddhist
9:28 PM Raquel: hahaha wow…. who knew?
well nina you know that quote i have on my blog about how when a writer is born a family dies
Brooke: actually i would not sacrifice my personal relationships
9:29 PM Raquel: i don’t know what i would do because i haven’t written about my family in 6 years
me: i love that quote
9:30 PM see, it’s a complicated thing. no easy answers. that’s why i called you here from across the high plains
Raquel: it is complicated
9:31 PM my cousin is actually writing a memoir about our family now, and the “elders” in the family can’t understand why she would go and write about our business
me: i think what scares me is that writing with compassion, you can still make a person feel uncomfortable. i think writers sacrifice always everyone around them.
Raquel: she thinks it is an important story to tell to the world
9:32 PM me: you have elders? i love it. i don’t really have a tribe like that.
Brooke: in anthropology, we actually have a very strict, codified set of ethics for research, and by extension, writing ethnography
me: but i have a close nuclear family
Brooke: so i sort of envy writers who can forget what their subjects want
9:33 PM me: and we are all easily hurt by each other
Brooke: ah
want to give us a specific example of something youre thinking about writing about?
so maybe we can be more helpful?
me: Brooke, that was very interesting: tell us more
Raquel: yeah i feel vague and muddled right now, but that’s probably because i chugged a gin and tonic earlier tonight!
me: about the ethics of antro
Raquel: yeah that sounds really cool actually
9:35 PM Brooke: we are supposed to have our subjects review our work before we publish
i mean, ideally
of course, in my thesis, there were various people who wanted themselves portrayed in diff ways
9:36 PM and i only felt a loyalty to my main informants who were teenage girls, as opposed to the village leaders who were trying to restrict what i wrote about them
9:37 PM i would not publish something if one of my informants was uncomfortable with it
i might find a way to muddle her identity
me: what was your thesis about?
Brooke: but she would have to say it was ok
gender and secondary schooling
Raquel: wow
Brooke: but in practice, its not like i force them to edit my article drafts
9:38 PM i just keep in mind what i know about them
and dont say anything offensive
me: see, that would make for terrible art
9:39 PM Raquel: it’s interesting that you allow them to review what you write, because in the ethics course i took here (mostly focused on magazinesweb/news sources) we struggled with whether we’d ever allow a source to view an article before it went to print
Brooke: well i say many offensive things about their teachers
Raquel: and we came to the conclusion that we would not want to let our sources view our work generally
9:40 PM me: yes, that’s interesting, how in journalism your subject should not have any control over what is said
Brooke: i mean, youhave to look at the history of the disciplines. for us, we are trying to make up for decades of colonialism
9:44 PM me: absolutely. the major dialogue in the field of lit. theory, when i was in school in the early 2000s was the question of whose voice is spoke, or whose gaze is given dominance
writing the ‘other’ and what not. my masters thesis focused on these questions
9:45 PM i always found it interesting, especially regarding how much people in the west want to write about nonwestern people and how much we muck it up.
9:46 PM but there must be one ethos, i believe, over all, regarding the correct way to approach writing aboutthe world.
Raquel: well i guess people’s approaches to their writing vary by person
9:47 PM i mean, why was augusten bouroughs willing to write all that insane shit about his therapist’s family, much of which they claim was either untrue or family secrets?
9:48 PM me: Gertrude Stein wrote lies in the Autobiography of Alice B. Toklas and did so gleefully. It was a part of the art.
I don’t mind art that interprets the world through strange lenses, as long as there is a wink somewhere.
Brooke: but i think thats burroughs still wrote in an affectionate way
9:49 PM Raquel: i can’t say, i didn’t read any of his books. i just read about his case and the lawsuit he was embroiled in with the family
Brooke: oh then maybe they didnt think so!
9:50 PM Raquel: i think a lot of problems come in because all of us have our own notion of the “truth” or “Truth” of a story
9:51 PM me: I think that what is important to this matter is that those people who are sincere, who have stories to tell and are artists, not just slanderers or sensationalists, have to ultiately make a choice between being good children and good friends and their honest feelings and thoughts.
Raquel: we see ourselves written about and are like, that is not so
yes
and i think people who do choose to write about family and friends and reveal things need to reflect on it and ask themselves why they’re revealing this stuff….
9:52 PM is it just for the sensationalism? or does the story have some genuine worth to others? or are they in need of exorcising inner demons?
me: Right, no one likes to be written about, even if it i flattering. So, would you say that the writer has to resign themselves to potentially upsetting people?
Raquel: mary karr wrote about her crazy family in a highly compassionate, yet honest, way
me: what is teh book called?
Raquel: liars’ club
Brooke: and she played with the notion of truth, right?
it was explicit
9:53 PM Raquel: i don’t know…. i think in the intro she discussed how she interviewed her mother and sister to check on things
and her sister was like, oh you definitely cried a lot more than you said you did in this story, or something
i read it a few months ago, it’s a little hazy.
9:54 PM Brooke: oh ok i read it yrs ago so never mind
me: i never read it, but maybe i’ll check it out.
9:55 PM Okay, well then, let me ask you Raquelita, about your novel.
9:56 PM Can you tell us what it was about?
9:57 PM Raquel: well it was about a cuban american girl who had a weird relationship with her mother because she was always trying to find out about her mother’s past in cuba
the mother was reticent
the girl felt like she was missing out on a big chunk of her identity
9:58 PM i based a lot of the characters and family dynamic on my own family
and as i started developing the plot, i started to feel this deja vous
and i was like crap
because i realized i was somewhat writing about my older cousin’s experience (the one with the memoir)
9:59 PM she is writing about how she met her half-sister in cuba for the first time when she was 23
so i felt like i had appropriated a story that wasn’t really mine to tell
it just got too hard… i would sit there and try to write and it was like this truth staring me in the face: you are stealing too much from life
10:00 PM me: stealing too much from life?
10:01 PM Raquel: like…. i took my cousin’s story
somewhat
my characters were too much like my relatives
Brooke: but was your concern that you and her were writing the same book or that you were writing about her life?
Raquel: and i just felt like i couldn’t do it anymore
it was both
10:02 PM me: but why couldn’t you write about your own life?
Raquel: because my life is boring
and the stories aren’t identical
but it the same theme of finding lost family back in cuba
i did it without being conscious of doing so
10:03 PM me: AHA. There’s the rub. Okay, this is the problem of thinking that I am talking about.
10:06 PM Raquel’s life isnt boring. And as a writer, even the most banal daily existence is rich with internal life, so stories could weave in and out of reality, patch together whatever it is your imagination can glean. But writers get locked down because they don’t know how to ride that line between real life and fantasy. And I think this is my problem, too, because my life isn’t exactly action-packed either, but i have had many rich internal experiences that arose out of a rather normal life on the surface.
But I dichotomize the two and lose out on the best of each.
10:07 PM Raquel: i think for me i just lost the feeling of authority to tell the story
even though it was a fictional story
10:08 PM me: I think I am afraid to show the world how hurt I have been by the daily trails of my life. But that is where my truth has been and as long as I skirt it, i will not be writing my best work
10:09 PM Raquel: i don’t want to step on my cousin’s toes…. because let’s face it, even though i shouldn’t let it be this way, i still give more respect to the true to life story than my made up for-fun story
me: but what is all this bs about having authority to tell a story? did shakespeare have authority to patch together myth and other people’s work and make brilliant plays? this pomo pc bullshit is killing the imagination and the life of writers.
Raquel: i’m the first to agree with that
10:10 PM maybe it’s just an excuse, but it’s one i’ve found very convenient
Brooke: but nina why are you skirting it?
10:12 PM me: i love this article by Jeanette Winterson about Gertrude Stein and how upset Matisse and others were about their portrayal in her book. Winterson was like, these guys were getting lambasted by the public for paiting reality in ways that didn’t look real and then when Stein wrote reality in ways that changed it, they couldn’t stand it. I do think people expect a level of ‘recorded truth’ to stories and prize, especially these days, reality over fantasy.
10:13 PM To answer brooke’s question, i am afraid that if i told the truth about my childhood and high school years that my mother would look like a monster, my father like a ghost, and my friends would realize how little I liked them
not to mention my siblings
Brooke: is that how you want to portray them?
10:14 PM me: i would rather paint a more complete picture, but even with more dimensionality, there would be much said that i couldn’t take back.
10:16 PM Raquel: hmm
10:17 PM me: But there is so much here…where my philosophy and sensibility comes from…from growing up in mediocrity…I still havea lot of resentment and maybe writing it would just serve as catharsis, nothing more. But, I don’t know. I have real problems with the general sensibility of middle class white america and i am afraid that if i let myself go, i’d just skewer everyone except the very best of people (like you two 🙂
i think i am coming to terms, just these last months, with how i am not, at heart, a nice person, like i always thought i was.
and how maybe this is what i have to explore in order to grow as a writer.
10:18 PM Raquel: yeah i’m sort of a bitch 🙂
me: ❤
Brooke: nina i would say start writing and see where it goes
no use speculating beforehand
Raquel: nina it’s easy to hate people because so many of them are so stupid
10:19 PM have you already written something about your friends and fam?
me: well, i have written about the past and it turns into essay, not fiction. see, that is where i am stuck, trying to turn it into fiction. I wrote a short story about boys that kill each other in the woods and I used my memories of how I felt in high school for that one.
and it turned out pretty good, so yeah, maybe that’s the way to go.
10:20 PM It’s called AC/DC.
Raquel: i remember that story
i enjoyed it
it was creepy and very good
me: good !
Brooke: send it to me!
10:21 PM me: okay, well, then, i will try my hand at some fiction that calls forth those years and see what happens.
i’ll send right now.
10:22 PM Okay, I feel like that’s a good place to stop unless you want to continue on in different areas. It’s been an hour and a half. Didn’t mean to keep you so long.
0:23 PM Brooke: i hope this was somewhat useful to you

i apologize for being tired
and not contributing much
10:24 PM Raquel: yeah i don’t know if i said anything particularly useful
i’m not much of a writer these days
10:25 PM me: If you go to http://www.darkreveries.com/ and go to the archives for February 2007, two of my stories are published there, including AC/DC
You were both incredible.
I think there is a lot of food for thought here.

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